Silk Chiffonzies vs. Crazy Lady

Slow going for me this season but sometimes My Lifetime doesn't quite mesh as well with My Life as I'd prefer (but capitalizing things about myself makes me feel Very Important). So let's just jump right in to Episode 5 and start from there, shall we?

First of all, this was not the Nina Garcia episode I was led to believe it was going to be. No early critiques, no stress-inducing work room visits, no endless repetition of an emphatic "no". Total let down. However, as far as team challenges go, it was actually interesting-ish. The collections were pretty cohesive and I thought it was very efficiently clever of Team 6 to divide the workload by garment (finally, Man-Pants represents). And of course, no team challenge is complete without some drama and Elena took it upon herself to BRING.IT. Christopher is right. She does have a feral quality about her. Sadly for her, that may be her most interesting quality because her clothes, not so much.

Personally, I liked Freegan's dress the best but I have no quarrel with Melissa's winning design. Smart choice for her to go with not-black. Absolutely horrible choice of print and fabric from the Silk Chiffonzies. Even if their collection wasn't awful, it was still full of silk chiffon. Stop it already. Geesh.

A few other parting thoughts:
1. I don't get why everyone loves Ven's designs so much. It's creeping toward the same one trick and I don't find his tops flattering at all. I guess they are tailored well, but they appear ill-fitting and stiff to me.

2. Is Christopher really as sincere, nice and rational as he seems? Because I want to believe that he really is that adorable.

3. If eye rolling earned us points, I would be Team Gunnar all the way.

Scoring for Season 10

These are the rules. You are either in or you're out.

How to win
Each week you will pick your favorite 3 designers and earn points based on the scoring system below. At the end of the season, the person with the most points wins! Easy!

The fine print
Every Monday around lunch time the moderator (Kelly, aka lady librarian, with Lora as a back-up) will send you an email with the previous week's updated scores and a reminder to send in your picks for the next episode. You have until 5:00pm on Thursday, day of show, to send your picks. If you do not send an email, your picks from the previous week will roll over.

When the season gets down to 7 designers, you will pick only 2.
When we get down to the final 3, pick only 1 designer.

If your picks from the previous week are rolled over and one of your designers was eliminated, you will automatically get -1 for that eliminated designer.

If you rolled over 3 picks after we went down to only 2 picks, you lose one point for each designer that rolled over and you do not accumulate - or lose - points based on the episode.



The Scoring:
6 points
Winning a Challenge

-6 points
Eliminated

2 points
Top 2 runner-ups for winning challenge

-2 points
Lands in the bottom 2 (except for the one who is eliminated; see Eliminated)

1 point
First one saved from Elimination in the bottom three

3 points
Crying (tears or the wiping away of tears must be visible. A designer can only earn points for crying once per episode, not per scene)

4 points
Verbal Fight (w/ another Designer, per episode for same fight. Designer(s) can earn additional points for a totally different fight with another designer)

3 points
Model Trouble: No Show / Ruins garment / Late to show / Fight w/ designer

3 points

Designer starts from scratch and redoes garment for better (top 2/3)

-3 points

Designer starts from scratch and redoes garment for the worse (bottom 2/3)

1 point
Any judge except for Nina says they want to wear/own/buy your designer’s garment

2 points
Nina says she wants to wear/own/buy your designer’s garment

The finale that surprised no one

Anya wins!

Really, who didn't see that one coming? More than a few of you called it from the first voting episode. From a seasonal perspective, she certainly deserves it. She has vision and a point of view and talent up the ying yang. But from my view of the runway? Meh. Oh she pulled it around at the last minute, for sure. But don't tell me you weren't at least a smidge underwhelmed. She showed 5 versions of basically the same dress, albeit beautifully. I was glad someone finally pointed out those dresses can be worn by only a fraction of the population. But you and I and Nina realize that there is more to Anya than flowy caftans. And frankly, I didn't love anyone's collection. So go ahead and give her the $100,000 and lets see what happens.

There was something to hate and love from everyone, so let's get down to business.

Josh

I still don't get why the judges love him so damn much. I also don't believe for a second that he can maintain an edited version of his aesthetic without the judges or Tim Gunn putting the squeeze on him. And I'm sorry, he did not persuade me to wear plastic or neoprene. I still love his jacket and would probably carry it around Macy's with me for an hour, but ultimately, I would put it back. Why? Because it's neoprene. It will be hot and I will sweat and no amount of clinical strength deodorant is going to make me less uncomfortable or pleasant to sit within sniffing distance. On the plus side, it might make me slightly more likely to try surfing if I could accessorize my wet suit with a snappy jacket to camouflage some, shall we say, extra curves. I will leave it to our two resident outdoor clothing manufacturer fantasy leaguers to get on that with a reminder that I'm also available for paid consulting.

Surprisingly, I really liked the florescent green skirt, but the same colored shorts were horrid. Ew. I feel blessed to never have to see his clothes ever again ever.

Kim

As stated previously, though unnecessarily by anyone who's met me, I am not Kim's urban street girl demographic. Still, three of my favorite pieces were hers. I absolutely adored her ivory outfit, found her gown stunning and irrationally loved the teal lamé dress (irrational but not unprecedented. I have mentioned my past gold lamé bathroom, have I not?). The woman knows her way around the shiny fabrics. That's a fact. I also would like to take this moment to take away Josh's "Most Improved" declaration from Nina and give it to Kim. She had some funky tailoring going on last week and yet these same pieces fit and draped beautifully on the runway. Plus, I like taking things away from Josh and giving them to people who aren't jerks. Could she have been classier or more appreciative when given the boot? No.

The rest of Kim's collection just wasn't my bag and I believe she needs a bit more time to refine her designs. I also pretty much hated the heavy black wedge shoes she chose for all the models. Too clunky for my taste. But I enjoyed her looks much more than I dreamed I would and am glad they gave her a runway shot.

Viktor

Oh Viktor, you did pretty much what I expected you to do. I believe what we have here is a man who can make impeccably tailored clothes in classic silhouettes but is limited in vision. Whenever Viktor tries to push it, he goes off the rails. I don't think this makes him a bad designer, but it does restrict his potential. Personally, I hope he embraces what he's got and creates his own commercial line. There's no disgrace in becoming a designer for the masses. Banana Republic sure isn't breaking trends or going broke. And I want that first dress. Like, now.

Anya

Is it wrong that my favorite dress was the one she was wearing? The last minute addition of black and white prints surely saved her collection, but I wish she could have pulled herself together earlier. I loved the new direction she was exploring in the last two challenges and would have liked to see more - or at least some - of that in the finale. Disappointment aside, she is clearly the best designer and deserved the win.

So there you have it. Thanks for joining me for another Project Runway season. Carry on.

It makes me want to weep

This post's title may be lifted from Mr. Gunn's critique of Josh's fabric but it pretty well sums up my thoughts on this season. I'm feeling not a little bit fatigued from the amount of manipulation the producers have put us through. But this latest switcheroo was the last straw. Three designers go to Fashion Week. THREE. Yes, the decision may be hard and some rules are made to be broken and all that. But you don't mess with the very premise of the show. Unless the producers' goal was to incite anger in longtime viewers and lady bloggers, in which case, bravo and well done.

The one tradition they decided to uphold was the "Dear lord, none of the collections are that good" teaser episode. It's almost not worth critiquing the clothes because the collections always end up magically different by the finale. But I'll give it a quick whirl.

I was disappointed in Viktor's pieces. That is, until the judges literally deconstructed them. I hope he decides to zip down that leather skirt and use it. I loved it when it was in his studio. The jacket, however, was a little too baubly for me.

Josh amazed me with his ability to actually dial it back a bit, even if his garments didn't. I did like the jacket and didn't even mind the hot pink pants that accompanied it. Not so amazing? His jerk-ass jerkiness. But fun seeing orange skin runs in the family.

I don't really get Kim's appeal. I definitely don't share her aesthetic. But I also find her work to always look a little unfinished, or at the very least, unpolished. That said, I really liked her gown. She knows her way around a sparkle (Josh, take note).

Sadly, Anya was thoroughly disappointing. I still feel like she is the best designer, but she did not bring it. The color palette didn't help matters, nor did the shoes. But she's been known to pull it together gorgeously at the last minute, so I half expect a completely new collection by Fashion Week.

This is it darlings. Let's do this.

I'm not driving you no more Miss Daisy

Take a look at the photos from Lifetime's Rate the Runway page and note the expressions on every single model. That is how I feel about the designs this episode. Much like the Sami people have over a hundred words for snow, I am currently up to 83 words for how boringly tragic these outfits are. Actually, I've really only bothered to think of the words boringly tragic. But if I had the inclination and five minutes, I'm sure I could think of at least 68.

Good for Anya for pulling it together and creating one of the few designs I liked. The other highlight being Viktor's pants and t-shirt. Burt's was fine, though not exactly win-worthy if you ask me. Of course, impediment numero uno for either of the winning designs ending up in my Piperlime cart is my aversion to going bra-less in public. But more power to you youngsters.

Now that we're getting down to the wire, I am at a total loss as to who will be going to Bryant Park. My money is on Viktor and Anya. But the third designer - and fourth fake-out? - is a total mystery to me. I don't disagree with the decision to send Anthony Ryan home, but it could have easily been any one of them. At this point, the remaining designers are completely hit or miss. But if I have to see an entire runway show of Joshua's crazy pants, I am going to need medication.

Looking for something to do?

Here's something to consider on an October rainy day.

NORDIC FASHION BIENNALE
Friday, September 30 - Sunday, November 13, 2011

The Nordic Heritage Museum, Seattle and Nordic House, Reykjavik are proud to announce the 2011 Nordic Fashion Biennale taking place this fall at the Nordic Heritage Museum in Seattle, Washington. This will be the first time this event is being held in the United States. The Nordic Fashion Biennale was launched by the Nordic House, Reykjavik in 2009 in Reykjavik, Iceland, and included more than 60 designers, artists, musicians and speakers.

Click here for details.

"The Emperor's New Clothes" approach

Hey guys! Project Runway sure is intent on pushing their limits. So many firsts! First time designers have had to share models. First time a band has played on the runway stage. It should have also been the first time no one won a challenge. Good lord, this challenge was doomed from the start. Here's a hint, if the challenge involves a sponsor/partner, things aren't going to go well. If it involves two partners, we are headed toward Trouble City. If it involves two partners that includes winners of a separate contest, you might as well turn off the tv and pick up that book you've been meaning to read. Or leave the tv on while you re-organize your makeup drawer or make a list of all the things you would buy if you won the lottery ("He who is best prepared can best serve his moment of inspiration"- Samuel Taylor Coleridge). It's up to you. Just don't expect an episode that you're happy you sat through. Make sure you accomplished something during the hour.

There's really not much to say about the designs. They were all terrible. Terrible. But the producers counted on that and that is what upsets me the most.

Dear Project Runway producers,

There seems to be a misunderstanding between what you think your viewers want and reality. Let me clue you in. We want to see designers make clothes. We want the clothes to be good. I understand that most reality TV is successful thanks to a series of manufactured train wrecks. But like Tim Gunn, we want to see everyone do their best and judge the results based on each designer's ingenuity and skill. I find no satisfaction from asking people to dig their own grave. Please stop it.

No, really. Stop it.

Yours for not much longer,

anonymous internet lady blogger

I'm not even going to bother talking about the band. OK, maybe just for a second. Blech. Done.

From the get-go, I was feeling bad for whoever was going to be sent home for this challenge. But then Olivier had to be so rude and suddenly I didn't feel so bad anymore. Seriously, I cannot figure that kid out. Is it immaturity? Asperger's? Or just a blatant disregard for reality?

Good for my Viktor, once again tailoring a perfectly mediocre ensemble. Josh managed to bedazzle a hippie. We finally saw Anya is not perfect. And let's consider this, shall we: Bert is still here. Huh.

Those boobs to me are trouble

Poor Olivier. He can't stand it that a woman has the audacity to not only have breasts but has to go and speak too. Can the little fella catch a break? He just wants to live his life exploring every shade of beige at a very slow pace so he can design for 1% of the general population. The hapless elf is going to have a doozy of a time next week when he has to dress *gasp* a man.

I also find myself tiring of Laura Kathleen's designs. She is just good enough to get by - and yes, I understand her client wanted to look like a Barbie, but it still looked very Laura Kathleen. Which is to say, Laura Kathleen is very good at making Barbie clothes.

Bert has got to go soon. He may be limiting his passive aggressive selective short-term memory comments, but he won't step out of his game and his game already has a name. It's called Ann Taylor Loft. ZING!

As for Bryce, was there really any question that he would be next to go? I actually liked the pockets, or beer holders, if you will (thanks for the tip Michael Kors!). And the color worked really well on his client. But oh the fit. What exactly is the HTML emoticon for sighing and shaking your head in frustrated disbelief? Insert that here. You were a good sport, young sir. Best of luck to you in your self-imposed sketching exile.

On to the top designers...


Josh M, you lucky devil. Of all the designers this year, he is the only one to have won two challenges? His restraint was indeed remarkable and should be a great lesson in client relations and artistic editing. But I will bet you a Seattle tunnel no lesson has actually been learned. Girl would bedazzle a sequin dress given the opportunity. Don't get me wrong - his dress was beautiful. But I felt like his win was a reward more for what he didn't do than what he did.

That said, I didn't love Anya's dress. It was that waist detail that was particularly bothersome. I spent most of the episode trying to decide if it was a top with fringe hanging off of it or an unfinished part of the dress. But she did take a chance and her client looked lovely in it.

Viktor is slowly becoming my favorite. I didn't think much of his designs in the beginning, or more accurately, I didn't think about them at all. And though I still don't know what his style actually is, I like what I've been seeing. I would want to wear it. Which likely means he's not high fashion enough. Consider that I, for example, would have told him to nix the necklace and keep the clutch. I am pedestrian that way. Of course, my reaction to the news that Piperlime was giving all the ladies free jewelry was "I would be psyched if it was a free purse. I can't imagine finding $500 worth of jewelry I'd want to wear." Somewhere out there is a man who is going to be very happy to meet me.

I want to go to a Joan Crawford St. Paddy's Day Party

Well that was fun.

This has got to be one of my favorite PR episodes, if only to watch Nina say "No" plaintively and repeatedly to everyone, for everything. God I love her.

So let's get a few things out of the way. I don't believe either Becky or Anthony Ryan "stole" the fabric from one another. Only a self-destructive moron would purposely choose someone else's fabric in this competition and let's face it, Becky is not the designer I would bet on winning that gamble. But, this being my life of littered lottery tickets, I was wrong. Becky's was better.

Lesser issues needing to be addressed: Laura Kathleen's choice of Kelly green was horrid - and I'm someone who can actually pull off that color (FYI: In Style's Fall issue has declared emerald green to be a winner this season, though my eyes interpret their editorial as being decidedly Kelly green); and please, please, please let's lose the prominent zipper in the back thing. If it's still on the rack at Target, it is time to move on (as if you need an FYI for this one - Missoni is coming to Target September 13th!).

As for the worst, Cecilia was completely defeated and couldn't even manage to make an interestingly tailored dress, regardless of her fabric. I feel for her if she is that color blind, but you don't need perfect sight to feel a problematic fabric. Worse, her design was uninspired. She should have been booted. Not that Julie's design was worth saving. But at least it had vision, poorly executed as it was. Plus I was weirdly obsessed with (and confused by) Julie's short eyebrows.

Anya's jumpsuit was pretty great and I personally have no issue with Laura Kathleen helping her finish. It's still Anya's design and quick thinking that got her to the top 3. The appeal of Viktor's dress was lost on me but he deserved something for having to deal with Bert last week. The star of the show was clearly Kimberly's fancy shirt and smart looking pants. She somehow managed to make me want to wear a metallic gold shirt while also making me think I wouldn't look like a complete idiot doing it. The fit and asymmetrical elements were perfect. Well done.

In what is quickly become my weekly advice for Bert: put a ring on it. Or something. As Tim Gunn says - every week, mind you -use that Piperlime Accessories Wall. Geesh.

Coupling up so soon?

Wow, that was fast. First, they yank them out of bed and force them to make clothes out of their underpants, then they have to spin clothes out of dog food and now they're forced into an arranged design marriage? Sewer? I hardly know her! [sorry].

Actually, I was pretty amazed at the top 3. Anthony Ryan and Laura Kathleen are a two-name dream team. I could not see where Danielle and Cecilia were going at first, but the end result was amaze. Did you check out the back of the shirt? Love it. The styling killed them - so much so that I was kind of surprised they made it to the top. More surprising, though, was Becky and Kimberly's ability to pull it together. Becky is definitely the owner of some questionable design judgement but the proportions could not have been better. Seriously, if you are hung up on the one-sided collar, go back and watch their model walk onto the runway for the first time. It works. And if you still can't see why it matters, go back and watch Josh M and Julie's matadorian nightmare. Those legs freak.me.out.

As for the race to the bottom, I can see why Fallene had to go but Bryce had better appreciate his part in that Black Swan bad acid trip mess or he will be shown the door shortly. Oh, and Bert, check the bitter old queen act and welcome yourself to the current decade so we can be friends again.

Why is she going there... in that?

Since I'm speed racing through the recaps, let me break this one down for you Microsoft Office style:

• unconventional challenge = trainwreck
• hamster bedding > wee wee pads
• birdseed glued on muslin = looks like beading, even if it really doesn't
• While I don't condone the latest craze of weaving feathers in your hair, if you must fasten feathers onto your person, that is a more appropriate vehicle for them than your eyebrows.
• Anthony Ryan is very talented but has a serious case of catty eye
• DO NOT BORE NINA or any of the other judges. This is mortal sin number one this season.

Getting up to speed

It's been a shaky start to this season here at Don't Bore Nina HQ. A few [brilliantly timed] trips to the hottest parts of the country during the hottest weeks of the year happened to coincide with the return of our beloved fashion show and threw me off schedule. As it turns out, upon my return I further discovered that I'm more apt to accept an invitation for margaritas on the patio over streaming Lifetime television shows, and for that, I half-heartedly apologize. But now that I'm caught up, let's try a quick recap, shall we?

The excitement begins in our season opener with the First-time-ever-we've-invited-50-people-on-the show-but-only-20-will-survive episode! I was expecting a bloodbath and got nary a splatter. There wasn't enough time to care who didn't make it to the actual show, regardless of their attempts at manipulation via a postponed Icelandic wedding. Girl was getting married either way. In Iceland.

Still, there were some curious choices for who made it as evidenced by Rafael's brief stay with us. Three-quarters of the way into the show I started getting this nagging feeling that things are a little off this year. My first clue should have been the inclusion of Michael and Nina in the opening credits/scene. Don't pander, Nina. It's so beneath you. But there also seems to be some new backroom agreement regarding judging this season where boring trumps poor tailoring or just plain ugly. It becomes more apparent in Episode 3 and Rafael just happened to hit the trifecta with his design in the opener, but tell me I'm wrong about this. Does the judging not seem a little strange?

Well, hello darlings

It's been too long, my friends. Adventures have been had, unions have been formed, buns have left some ovens and a few of us went on some crappy dates. But all is about to be right with the world again because our Project Runway pals are back Thursday, July 28th at 9pm (can I dare to dream that Lifetime has used this time to upgrade their streaming capabilities?).

Take a looksie here and get to know what's in store. Apparently there are twenty designers this year which I can only hope results in a spectacular bloodbath the first episode.

For those of you in the Fantasy League, the scoring remains the same as last year. You can click here to review the rules. Remember, the first episode is for us to get to know the designers. We'll start choosing our top 3 the following week.

Que les jeux commencent!

Good grief

Wow. Just... wow. Or in the words of the Rickshaw Restaurant and Lounge marquee: "wow" (see the blog of unnecessary quotes). I heard all the arguments, and while I get where Nina and Michael were coming from, I just don't agree. I also advise you all to run to your favorite stores and stock up on the cute and complimentary because we are apparently in for a few years of terrible, awful sportswear (and just when I was getting excited for all those t-strap shoes and pencil skirts).

There were so many things wrong with this finale but the glaringly obvious was the inclusion of Jessica Simpson as guest judge. The woman has never been, nor ever will be, a fashion icon. Granted, I've seen a branded shoe or two of hers that I like, but only in that "here is a nice, basic black shoe" kind of way. She is the personification of mall chic, with a tragic habit of dressing to make herself appear bigger than she actually is. How do these traits suggest the last word on fashion? Answer: they don't. But thanks for sticking up for Mondo.

I think we can all agree that Andy's clothes were beautiful. I was surprised by how much I liked them, given his penchant for a little kookier, a lot more skin-baring designs. Sadly for him, this seemed to have killed him and I can't really blame the judges for it. While I liked them more than his normal stuff, he should have stayed truer to his kooky self.

Mondo, on the other hand, stayed too true to his vision. I don't disagree that he could stand some editing (those hair pieces were totally unnecessary, bordering on distracting), but I still feel he got robbed. Heidi was right to point out it felt like punishing him for continuing with a style they'd been praising him for all season. But I felt the nail in the coffin when Nina equated Mondo's collection to Seth Aaron's winning show last season. And there we have it. The judges didn't want to repeat themselves and so deemed Gretchen's easy breezy "sportswear" the look of our times. Which means Jon Stewart was wrong: these actually are end times.

So that's it. I don't even want to think about Gretchen's collection anymore, let alone write about it. And I definitely don't want to see it again. Ever. I'll be cancelling my fashion magazine subscriptions for a year or two and investigating other options for inspiration. Maybe I'll give Circus Monthly a try.

Kudos to Susan for taking the Vegas odds and winning this season's pool. Thanks to everyone for playing!

I didn't see that coming

Well, we got it. Our first bonafide Project Runway meltdown. Totally did not see that coming and I still feel part horrified, part sorry for him and part "it's time to grow the F up, Michael C." Not exactly conducive for the It Gets Better project. Parents, love your children for who they are and people, stand up for yourselves. Now that that's out the way...

Did anyone catch the preview for Bryant Park judging where Heidi says this was their hardest decision in Project Runway history? She means because they are all terrible, right? Because I cannot see how these garments are going to become magically amazing with some new tights and chic baubles (and less some crazy head pieces, I hope). Mondo is, of course, impeccable with his tailoring and amazing with the prints, but at this point I can't really be wowed by the same dress. I'd still wear everything, but we know what we're going to see. Of course, I still want to see it, especially after seeing his work studio and inspiration. And how funny was the story of his dad extorting softball out of him for piano lessons?

I'm honestly torn between Andy and Gretchen. I can't stand Gretchen's aesthetic. At. All. But she's got a point of view, that's for sure. And Nina loves herself a point of view. I don't think I would hate some of the designs so much if they weren't in such a horrible print or drab earth tone. But it's hard for me to see past either of those things. But congrats on making yourself more human, lady. Nothing humbles you like being dumped and kudos to her for even getting out of bed, let alone creating a whole collection that at least she likes.

Andy, on the other hand, has lots of vision but only gets it right half the time. His last challenge dress was amaze, if a bit on the short side. Then again, I am aged way beyond that skirt length and possibly just jealous. But the swimsuit and flowy thing? What was that? It didn't even look tailored. Just a flowy sheer fabric with a hole cut out. In fact, I think I made that outfit when I was five out of my mom's old lingerie and some scissors (long sheer robes were chic and plentiful in the 70's, if you recall, and five year olds just love to cut things to make them "prettier". Just ask my Barbies how much they loved their new haircuts.). He's got vision and is terribly sweet, but I feel like he needs a few years under his belt.

Now on to Bryant Park...

Does anyone have an extra tissue?

Can I just say how much I love Mondo?! After a well deserved third win in a row he has shown time after time just how talented (and inspiring) he really is. This week’s episode was an emotional one, with an enormous revelation from Mondo, tears from nearly everyone, and visits from family that left Andy feeling completely directionless and Christopher channeling his inner Casanova with a demure snoozefest.

Hats off to the judges for finally giving the designers a good surprise – a day to spend with their visitors! After weeks of surprise twists from the ominous little black bag, that had to feel great for them. Too bad it knocked a few of them off their game.

What on earth was up with Heidi’s disco ball dress? She’s been dabbling in some pretty random looks this season, and I think it may be time to fire her stylist. I just can’t take her comments in judging seriously when she’s dressed like an exploding container of multicolored glitter or sporting a gigantic rose on the top of her head.

This week’s runway judging was pretty tame in comparison to the past few weeks, although I did enjoy Michael Kors’ “fried egg boob” comment for Gretchen. So glad she clarified that the half circle on the pants is the shape of a bonnet. Before that point I thought maybe sun bonnets were square or triangular. I have to ask, did no one really see the similarities between April’s and Valerie’s skirts? Was it just me? The top of April’s dress was vastly superior to Valerie’s, but still. And call me sentimental, but I had to smile at Valerie’s lovefest at the end of the episode. It was clearly her time to leave, though. She’s a sweet person, but her design skills just aren’t up to Project Runway standards.

The next episode is guaranteed to be interesting with Heidi as the client. And I can’t wait to know more about the cheating drama!

Race to the bottom

On Friday, Beth warned me that Episode 9 was a race to the bottom but I was not prepared for how true those words were. I am still shocked that Valerie was spared. Though whenever I think of Ivy's design, I am just as convinced the judges were right to boot her. Good lord, that dress was horrid. Pageant dress doesn't even being to describe it; more like high school sewing class makes costumes for the student play according to a bossy 12th grader drunk on her new-found power. Just look at it.

Not that Valerie was any better. It is painfully apparent that she is over her head in this competition - a fact tragically exemplified by the dress she herself was wearing on the runway as the judges identified her biggest problem as not understanding fabric. Weird boobs, big waist, wrong fabric. Sad.

Michael C could not have been more annoying with his "I'm sorry, I've never been in the bottom before" comment, to which I found myself gasping "really?". Really. At least Lifetime is bringing back his commentary and he's got it in for Gretchen. "Velvet is a boring fabric and Gretchen makes boring clothes, so it's a perfect fit." True dat, Michael C.

And speaking of... I have to hand it to Gretchen, her couture dress was actually well-made. Not even remotely my style, but it was nice, and would have been prettier had she foreseen Heidi's advice of making the back the front. Her ready to wear piece was a crock though. And by crock, I mean typical Gretchen. Bland, shapeless and the most interesting part was clearly accidental. Holla!

I didn't love Andy's. I appreciated it, but just couldn't go there. Perhaps it is subconscious jealousy that I will never in a million years be able to pull it off (or let's face it, get it on), but I also can't get behind the slinky dress. But they worked together and he stayed true to his vision.

As for Mondo, I'm sure there are many who disagree, but I loved it. I would love it more had the bust been form-fitted (which I suspect was his original intent before having to start over), but I love a carnival.

That's all I got this week. It's Monday. I'm tired, and apparently, not very quick with the wit. Please make up for my shortcomings in the comments. I need a pick up.

Extra credit!

Can you guess who this celebrity couple is? Hot tipper and first-time fantasy leaguer Tina BC took this photo on what is surely a top-of-the-line cell phone while on her trip to NYC last week. Stars, they're just like us! They really do eat!

Jackie O would not have camel toe

No truer words were spoken Mr. Gunn. Holy wowza, those were some pants. I guess I could say "good for you for sticking to your vision" but there is no world in which Jackie O or a Jackie O wanna be would wear MC Hammer pants. And if you must stay true to yourself, at least make them fit. I can't think of a single time where I thought to myself, "I wish I could find some pants that would call attention to my crotch area." But if I ever do, I now know who to call.

I think it goes without saying that Michael D's design deserved to go. Again, I have never looked in the mirror in disgust wishing my hips looked bigger. Or walked into a store and said "Give me something dowdy and out of proportion!" To each his own.

As for the winners, please please please make Mondo's design available on Piperlime. If it takes me two years to lose enough weight to wear it, I'll make it work. The skirt is nostalgically similar to one I used to own in the '80s - taken from a friend's "costume closet" of her dead grandmother's clothes - clothes she laughed at while she wore acid wash and bangs raked up to the heavens. And since I am a fan of mixing patterns, Mondo's shirt was perfection. The directional change of the stripe on the sleeves was pure brilliance. I love you Mondo, my little design pixie.

The judges must have had a hard time coming up with two more winners. Ivy's top and pant were good but I hated the jacket. Or, more precisely, I hated the fabric of the jacket. It didn't flow very well and seemed stiff to me. And Christopher's was a cocktail dress with a torn up piece of mangled fur on it. A pretty enough dress, I guess, but you know the only reason he was standing there was because of the vapid January Jones (seriously, no wonder she is so good at playing Betty Draper. She is Betty Draper. Liked the eyeliner though).

This episode also slammed the nail in the coffin for Gretchen for me. Sure, she's thoroughly irritating, but this isn't a personality contest. Unfortunately, Gretchen's interpretation of chic, luxe and tailoring is just...well, wrong. Girl's last three designs have been same color, same shape, same crappy finish. If it looks like something my deluded brain thinks that I could make if I finally went to Target and bought that perennially-on-sale-for-$60 sewing machine, you best check yourself lady.

This Ain't No Vacation

After two episodes of the designers sh*tting on Michael C., it was pleasant to discover that this week’s challenge would be resort wear. Maybe the clothes would inspire a vacation from past behavior? Not so fast, this challenge included a twist that required the ominous “black bag”.

Tim surprised the designers with the bad news: each designer would be paired up and have to create a sample from their partner’s design. In his confessional, Mondo vehemently expressed his desire to NOT be paired with Michael C. Alas, his wish did not come true. After a very rocky start, it was a relief to see Mondo apologize for his behavior after he realized that Michael C. isn’t so bad, he just does things a bit differently. The new BFFs then had their arms around each other in the lounge during judging.

As for the others, Gretchen was paired with Casanova and chose to treat him like a five year old. Michael D. had to endure the coo-coo crazy emanating off Ivy. The pairings of Christopher/April and Valerie/Andy were drama-free.

When it came to the top three designs of Andy, Michael D & April, I could only meet the judges two-thirds of the way. Andy’s stunning one-piece bathing suit and wrap (impeccably sewn by Valerie) fit the model like a glove. Michael D.’s dress was sophisticated and unique, and could easily be worn over a bathing suit although I don’t usually associate black with resort wear. Guess I need to go to more resorts. April’s outfit was, in my opinion, one HOT MESS! It was far from resort wear, more like punk-rock lingerie. The boy shorts went up to her armpits, and the top looked like a Calder mobile with a baby doll skirt. And the guest judge, Kristin Bell, wanted to wear it on the red carpet!

After the shock of April’s win, I hoped to get a little bit of pleasure from having Ivy bumped off. She created a totally shapeless hippie top and skirt combo with her signature bland color palette. On the runway, Ivy claimed she had to “simplify” her design to accommodate Michael D.’s sewing skills. I think the judges said she threw him under the bus about ten times. Kudos to Michael D. for taking it like a champ. Casanova and Mondo were also in the bottom three for a non-resort, matronly top and pants, and a loud, mismatched pre-teen bikini and jacket respectively.

Unfortunately, Casanova got the boot instead of Ivy. But the producers showed him some love because he was the first designer to get a farewell montage. I think Heidi will miss him the most. She loved saying his name.