I didn't see that coming

Well, we got it. Our first bonafide Project Runway meltdown. Totally did not see that coming and I still feel part horrified, part sorry for him and part "it's time to grow the F up, Michael C." Not exactly conducive for the It Gets Better project. Parents, love your children for who they are and people, stand up for yourselves. Now that that's out the way...

Did anyone catch the preview for Bryant Park judging where Heidi says this was their hardest decision in Project Runway history? She means because they are all terrible, right? Because I cannot see how these garments are going to become magically amazing with some new tights and chic baubles (and less some crazy head pieces, I hope). Mondo is, of course, impeccable with his tailoring and amazing with the prints, but at this point I can't really be wowed by the same dress. I'd still wear everything, but we know what we're going to see. Of course, I still want to see it, especially after seeing his work studio and inspiration. And how funny was the story of his dad extorting softball out of him for piano lessons?

I'm honestly torn between Andy and Gretchen. I can't stand Gretchen's aesthetic. At. All. But she's got a point of view, that's for sure. And Nina loves herself a point of view. I don't think I would hate some of the designs so much if they weren't in such a horrible print or drab earth tone. But it's hard for me to see past either of those things. But congrats on making yourself more human, lady. Nothing humbles you like being dumped and kudos to her for even getting out of bed, let alone creating a whole collection that at least she likes.

Andy, on the other hand, has lots of vision but only gets it right half the time. His last challenge dress was amaze, if a bit on the short side. Then again, I am aged way beyond that skirt length and possibly just jealous. But the swimsuit and flowy thing? What was that? It didn't even look tailored. Just a flowy sheer fabric with a hole cut out. In fact, I think I made that outfit when I was five out of my mom's old lingerie and some scissors (long sheer robes were chic and plentiful in the 70's, if you recall, and five year olds just love to cut things to make them "prettier". Just ask my Barbies how much they loved their new haircuts.). He's got vision and is terribly sweet, but I feel like he needs a few years under his belt.

Now on to Bryant Park...

Race to the bottom

On Friday, Beth warned me that Episode 9 was a race to the bottom but I was not prepared for how true those words were. I am still shocked that Valerie was spared. Though whenever I think of Ivy's design, I am just as convinced the judges were right to boot her. Good lord, that dress was horrid. Pageant dress doesn't even being to describe it; more like high school sewing class makes costumes for the student play according to a bossy 12th grader drunk on her new-found power. Just look at it.

Not that Valerie was any better. It is painfully apparent that she is over her head in this competition - a fact tragically exemplified by the dress she herself was wearing on the runway as the judges identified her biggest problem as not understanding fabric. Weird boobs, big waist, wrong fabric. Sad.

Michael C could not have been more annoying with his "I'm sorry, I've never been in the bottom before" comment, to which I found myself gasping "really?". Really. At least Lifetime is bringing back his commentary and he's got it in for Gretchen. "Velvet is a boring fabric and Gretchen makes boring clothes, so it's a perfect fit." True dat, Michael C.

And speaking of... I have to hand it to Gretchen, her couture dress was actually well-made. Not even remotely my style, but it was nice, and would have been prettier had she foreseen Heidi's advice of making the back the front. Her ready to wear piece was a crock though. And by crock, I mean typical Gretchen. Bland, shapeless and the most interesting part was clearly accidental. Holla!

I didn't love Andy's. I appreciated it, but just couldn't go there. Perhaps it is subconscious jealousy that I will never in a million years be able to pull it off (or let's face it, get it on), but I also can't get behind the slinky dress. But they worked together and he stayed true to his vision.

As for Mondo, I'm sure there are many who disagree, but I loved it. I would love it more had the bust been form-fitted (which I suspect was his original intent before having to start over), but I love a carnival.

That's all I got this week. It's Monday. I'm tired, and apparently, not very quick with the wit. Please make up for my shortcomings in the comments. I need a pick up.

Jackie O would not have camel toe

No truer words were spoken Mr. Gunn. Holy wowza, those were some pants. I guess I could say "good for you for sticking to your vision" but there is no world in which Jackie O or a Jackie O wanna be would wear MC Hammer pants. And if you must stay true to yourself, at least make them fit. I can't think of a single time where I thought to myself, "I wish I could find some pants that would call attention to my crotch area." But if I ever do, I now know who to call.

I think it goes without saying that Michael D's design deserved to go. Again, I have never looked in the mirror in disgust wishing my hips looked bigger. Or walked into a store and said "Give me something dowdy and out of proportion!" To each his own.

As for the winners, please please please make Mondo's design available on Piperlime. If it takes me two years to lose enough weight to wear it, I'll make it work. The skirt is nostalgically similar to one I used to own in the '80s - taken from a friend's "costume closet" of her dead grandmother's clothes - clothes she laughed at while she wore acid wash and bangs raked up to the heavens. And since I am a fan of mixing patterns, Mondo's shirt was perfection. The directional change of the stripe on the sleeves was pure brilliance. I love you Mondo, my little design pixie.

The judges must have had a hard time coming up with two more winners. Ivy's top and pant were good but I hated the jacket. Or, more precisely, I hated the fabric of the jacket. It didn't flow very well and seemed stiff to me. And Christopher's was a cocktail dress with a torn up piece of mangled fur on it. A pretty enough dress, I guess, but you know the only reason he was standing there was because of the vapid January Jones (seriously, no wonder she is so good at playing Betty Draper. She is Betty Draper. Liked the eyeliner though).

This episode also slammed the nail in the coffin for Gretchen for me. Sure, she's thoroughly irritating, but this isn't a personality contest. Unfortunately, Gretchen's interpretation of chic, luxe and tailoring is just...well, wrong. Girl's last three designs have been same color, same shape, same crappy finish. If it looks like something my deluded brain thinks that I could make if I finally went to Target and bought that perennially-on-sale-for-$60 sewing machine, you best check yourself lady.