Jackie O would not have camel toe

No truer words were spoken Mr. Gunn. Holy wowza, those were some pants. I guess I could say "good for you for sticking to your vision" but there is no world in which Jackie O or a Jackie O wanna be would wear MC Hammer pants. And if you must stay true to yourself, at least make them fit. I can't think of a single time where I thought to myself, "I wish I could find some pants that would call attention to my crotch area." But if I ever do, I now know who to call.

I think it goes without saying that Michael D's design deserved to go. Again, I have never looked in the mirror in disgust wishing my hips looked bigger. Or walked into a store and said "Give me something dowdy and out of proportion!" To each his own.

As for the winners, please please please make Mondo's design available on Piperlime. If it takes me two years to lose enough weight to wear it, I'll make it work. The skirt is nostalgically similar to one I used to own in the '80s - taken from a friend's "costume closet" of her dead grandmother's clothes - clothes she laughed at while she wore acid wash and bangs raked up to the heavens. And since I am a fan of mixing patterns, Mondo's shirt was perfection. The directional change of the stripe on the sleeves was pure brilliance. I love you Mondo, my little design pixie.

The judges must have had a hard time coming up with two more winners. Ivy's top and pant were good but I hated the jacket. Or, more precisely, I hated the fabric of the jacket. It didn't flow very well and seemed stiff to me. And Christopher's was a cocktail dress with a torn up piece of mangled fur on it. A pretty enough dress, I guess, but you know the only reason he was standing there was because of the vapid January Jones (seriously, no wonder she is so good at playing Betty Draper. She is Betty Draper. Liked the eyeliner though).

This episode also slammed the nail in the coffin for Gretchen for me. Sure, she's thoroughly irritating, but this isn't a personality contest. Unfortunately, Gretchen's interpretation of chic, luxe and tailoring is just...well, wrong. Girl's last three designs have been same color, same shape, same crappy finish. If it looks like something my deluded brain thinks that I could make if I finally went to Target and bought that perennially-on-sale-for-$60 sewing machine, you best check yourself lady.

This Ain't No Vacation

After two episodes of the designers sh*tting on Michael C., it was pleasant to discover that this week’s challenge would be resort wear. Maybe the clothes would inspire a vacation from past behavior? Not so fast, this challenge included a twist that required the ominous “black bag”.

Tim surprised the designers with the bad news: each designer would be paired up and have to create a sample from their partner’s design. In his confessional, Mondo vehemently expressed his desire to NOT be paired with Michael C. Alas, his wish did not come true. After a very rocky start, it was a relief to see Mondo apologize for his behavior after he realized that Michael C. isn’t so bad, he just does things a bit differently. The new BFFs then had their arms around each other in the lounge during judging.

As for the others, Gretchen was paired with Casanova and chose to treat him like a five year old. Michael D. had to endure the coo-coo crazy emanating off Ivy. The pairings of Christopher/April and Valerie/Andy were drama-free.

When it came to the top three designs of Andy, Michael D & April, I could only meet the judges two-thirds of the way. Andy’s stunning one-piece bathing suit and wrap (impeccably sewn by Valerie) fit the model like a glove. Michael D.’s dress was sophisticated and unique, and could easily be worn over a bathing suit although I don’t usually associate black with resort wear. Guess I need to go to more resorts. April’s outfit was, in my opinion, one HOT MESS! It was far from resort wear, more like punk-rock lingerie. The boy shorts went up to her armpits, and the top looked like a Calder mobile with a baby doll skirt. And the guest judge, Kristin Bell, wanted to wear it on the red carpet!

After the shock of April’s win, I hoped to get a little bit of pleasure from having Ivy bumped off. She created a totally shapeless hippie top and skirt combo with her signature bland color palette. On the runway, Ivy claimed she had to “simplify” her design to accommodate Michael D.’s sewing skills. I think the judges said she threw him under the bus about ten times. Kudos to Michael D. for taking it like a champ. Casanova and Mondo were also in the bottom three for a non-resort, matronly top and pants, and a loud, mismatched pre-teen bikini and jacket respectively.

Unfortunately, Casanova got the boot instead of Ivy. But the producers showed him some love because he was the first designer to get a farewell montage. I think Heidi will miss him the most. She loved saying his name.

Me and Mrs. Jones and my Grandma's Goiters

There is no way for this episode to top the drama of the last one, when Gretchen was called out by Tim for manipulating her entire team in the group challenge. But it was juicy nonetheless. Nina is certainly not bored.

We open with Ivy doing a total 180 from “Go Team Gretchen!” in the group challenge to whispery gossip literally right behind Gretchen’s back. I keep waiting for Ivy to call me on my hot pink phone with the teal cord and tell me she wants to be my best friend, only to ignore me at the pencil fights on the middle school playground the next day. As the episode wears on, she will continue to wear out her welcome by failing again to sew anything remotely stylish, accusing Michael C of telling people she’s the bitch of the show (um…) and stealing buttons out of her fishbowl (which should totally be a euphemism for something).

Heidi introduces the challenge: re-make bridesmaid dresses for real-life clients. The women are chosen gym-class style, which of course leaves the plus-size women standing last – way to stay classy, Project Runway! Michael D, as the last to choose, gets the biggest challenge with the largest woman. He clearly struggles to make a flattering piece for her, but remains magnanimous even in his failure to do so.

I love this challenge; though I have no first-hand experience with bridesmaid dresses, I hate them – who doesn’t? In researching this blog post, I found out that cutie Carole Hannah from Season 6 is launching her own line of bridesmaid dresses soon. Godspeed!

The workroom is full of hand-wringing and model trouble. Tim is sassy in his critiques (“Just make her a thong and call it a day!”) and Gretchen is awkward around Tim. Then everyone goes to a Top Chef style public comment session, which was mostly boring save for Ivy’s histrionics. Back in the workroom, Michael C tries to talk it out with Ivy, but she is too busy constructing another pair of capris to listen. And then it’s time for the runway!

Save for the sleeves, I didn’t mind Michael C’s dress at all. But if an avant-garde dress is created in the absence of critical thought through complete happenstance and with bad tailoring, does it really exist? I can’t blame the other designers for being disappointed at him being named the winner. This, my friends, is why I am relying on randomness to choose my contestants this season.

Mondo was my clear choice for winner – his dress was elegant and unexpected, proving his vision and talent—his curse!--once again. For what did he win the most buttons in his fishbowl (if you know what I mean) in the public comment session, if not to be crowned this week? Though, he is to be chided for accidentally sending his model to the Snooki hair salon instead of Garnier (image to haunt your dreams for reference, at left).

I’m generally down with Christopher, but how he ends up in the top 3 for making a dress that evokes nothing more than a dirty windblown curtain which appears to expose one cup of the wearer’s bra is beyond me. His spot clearly should have gone to April for a really contemporary unexpected take on a shirtdress. And for having the cajones to stand up to her model.

Casanova sends down one of the best looks he’s put together all season. Gretchen puts a racer back on a dirty tea towel. Andy makes a snoozey tank top and shorts. All three skate by safely in the middle.

During the judging of Peach’s dress, we are treated to more Kors-isms than you can shake a limp fist at. He gets himself rolling with “avocado dinner napkins” and “church bring-a-pot dinner,” but goes a little too far with “avocado goiter.” Mr. Kors, sir, my Irish grandmother had goiters, and from the way my mom describes said neck growths, they don’t look a thing like fluttery bedskirts. But, my goodness, that dress was an SUV wreck straight off the Dan Ryan.

The only explanation I can come up with for Valerie’s dress is that she was worried her model’s boobs would see something out of the corner of their eye and get spooked. Michael Kors describes it as having a “nursing grandmother chest,” which is awesome. I want to meet these nursing grandmothers with their color-blocked triple-strap nursing bras.

Backstage, Andy calls out Michael C for his bad taste while wearing a hairdo and accessories basically tailor-made for Michael C’s dress. Gretchen whines, “I don’t even know what show this is anymore!” I think she means she doesn’t know who she is anymore. When Michael C walks in to announce his win, he is treated to big, bad cold stares by everyone except Casanova, who breaks it down by pointing out that there are two two-challenge winners and then calls Gretchen “Mrs. Jones.” Hello, Mrs. Jones, you are on equal footing with Michael C on this show, so maybe a dose of humility would do you well. It’s almost as classic as “those pants cost one thousand and seven dollars” and “plush puppies.”

Peach’s departure most likely means a 100% reduction in the amount of toile and appliqué sunglass sweaters on Project Runway. True to form, she departs with a cheery “I’ve hee-ad the time of my life!” I’m grateful for her exit because it means not having to be reminded of what my chin will look like in 20 years every time I tune in.

Thanks for reading my guest post! -- Jessica B.

Ándale! Ándale! Arriba!

Team Challenge! My favorite. And 6 people per team! That's a delicious recipe for disaster.

First off, Heidi specifically said no team leaders...I'm looking at YOU Gretchen. That was the most bizarre 180 from tearfully declaring "we all worked so hard and are so proud of our collection!" to "I feel I had to style a crappy collection and was just trying to save it". Gasp! And I still don't understand why they were all pointing fingers at Michael who had immunity. What was the point of that? I must say, out of all the cool choices on the nifty velcro board I was surprised that Team Luxe picked "camel" and "menswear for women". I can't say I liked the other team's collection much either, but they made it work with a challenging combo: "military" and "lace". That's no joke.

Shocker of shockers the "fantaaaaaastico Casanova" pulled it out! Heidi even wanted to wear his outfit herself which should help boost his fragile ego. I thought his "major diva moment" was hilarious to watch. Kudos to his model for being the only one able to convince him not to quit (there's no way he would've gone through with that threat, IMO). Pull yourself together, hombre!

The final outcome of this one was obvious once the bottom three were standing on the runway. As if the producers would let Gretchen go this early for drama factor alone! We love to hate her. Although Tim Gunn is having none of it. That was quite a Team Luxe scolding at the end for "allowing Gretchen to manipulate, control and bully you". Wow, go Tim! I think he set the tone for next week and we can probably expect to move from passive aggression and quietly hurt feelings to full-on, claws-out, cat fights and total breakdowns. Something to look forward to! ;)

My Hats Off To.....

Who knew designing an outfit to showcase a hat could be so challenging? Legendary Mad-hatter Phillip Treacy was this week's guest judge and with a twist, provided the inspiration to be followed by each designer as his head-adorning creations became the muse for the designer's look this week--leaving most of the designers perplexed in this challenge. More confused, though, was myself after the judging table had its way with the designers.

To start, those who were excused as safe should have been anything but! Peach, you are sweet and all, but you have to start being a little more creative because I keep forgetting you exist each week when I sit down to contemplate the episode. Can we please see a different color than pink? You had the coolest hat of the whole collection--a whirlwind of black and white feathers, and you chose pink and cream upholstery fabric, AGAIN. A.J, where did you get polka-dots from that amazing hat? And, to quote past PR contestant Nick Verreos, "Gretchen's design looks very Zara...on sale." Mondo, I just love you so I'm find with you being safe, but your color pallett reminded me of the ugly color scheme Tully's chose to paint the old Rainer building in Georgetown.

Now to get to the winner-happy Father's day Micheal C, but you did NOT deserve to win this week! Did the judges feel bad for snubbing your fab red dress last week and decide to just hand over the top spot this week? Or did they perhaps confuse you with Michael D who did an amazing job and whose color scheme actually MATCHED his hat? Michael D, your use of shape and color was impeccable and truly inspired!

Now back to the winner Michael's golden gypsy dres--the whole handkerchief hemline is too small town Shakespear int he Park "Midsummer Night's Dream' for my taste. I have to assume that something was lost in translation from runway to tv because I don't see where the color of the dress complimented the hat--nor did the shape seem appealing to me. I don't get it.

As for Valerie, still a bridesmaid! Come on, Valerie you are due for a win! Your outfit was cute and managed to work with the mask quite well. And last but not least, Christopher. Christopher, I agree with every other designer back stage--you were a winner in my book. I thought for sure you, Michael D, and Valerie would have been in the top 3. As for your outfit making Heidi sad?! What? Heidi, where does that hat look any sort of happy? Huh? I thought he did a great job and at least deserved to be in the safe cateogry as opposed to the bottom 3.

As for our losers this week: April. Why did you choose white for the diaper shorts? WHY?! And Kristin, we are sad to see you go, you were wacky and nice but that Orchid dress was a mess.

I'm looking forward to the large group challenge next week! Tempers are sure to fly! Bless the souls who get stuck with Gretchen--It is sure to be an entertaining episode!

-Caitlin

It's My Party

Greetings everyone! Well, today it is MY PARTY because I am the guest blogger for Week 3 of Project Runway!

I love Betsey Johnson and hate Gretchen, so frankly I couldn't have had better luck this week. *Caitlin

I think this was the best "after the runway" segment in the history of PR. I've never witnessed so many deserved eye-rolls as were directed at Gretchen after her ego-rampage this episode. While her outfit was very normal and "cool", as Nina mentioned, it was not creatvie AT ALL. Come on, it isn't THAT HARD to make what Gretchen kept boasting to Tim as "hand-cut cheverons" into tinsel material--BORING. While the "leather" jacket was cool, the undershirt did look like paper.

Besides the ever-aggravating Gretchen showing her true colors this episode (those being tan, black, grey and conceited) I think there were a lot of standouts that went un-noticed. Christopher's beautiful brown dress was stunning, as was Michael C.'s red dress. It was a CRIME, a CRIME I tell you that Michael was not in the top two when he clearly deserved to be a winner along with Andy's stunner of a little black dress. The "always a bridesmaid" Valerie also created an awesome dress made of 600 napkins--I believe Betsey when she said she would wear it AND use it to freshen up at a party if needed.

God Bless the ever adorable Betsey Johnson for not completely smashing A.J's dreams. That dress was a cotton candy nightmare. While Sarah's dress was the least finished and professional looking (thanks to Gretchen steering her astray) I don't think she should have gone before Casanova. When are the judges going to wake up and realize he will never produce a nice piece of clothing?

What will happen next week?! Will Gretchen continue to villain-ize herself? Will Valrie finally take top honors?

70's trump 80's

I imagine the internet is a flutter with hoo-ha over Gretchen winning again, but gosh darn it, she deserved it. Lovely as Valerie's dress was - I loved the neck line and pockets - that stupid zipper did her in, in my opinion. You may recall my aversion to most things 80's retro (see post: A Little Help) so this shouldn't come as a surprise. I would not have been exactly outraged had Valerie took top honors. But to my sensibility, the pant suit was better. And believe me, that is a sentence I never thought I would type.

As for the rest of the crybabies (seriously, what is up this season?), there was a lot of misplaced confidence rolling down the runway. I have to hand it to AJ for being one of the few to admit his garment looked not-so-hot. Peach, of course, took the mea culpa cake. I'm still not sure what she's about design-wise, but god bless her Midwest accent. I'm just waiting for her to go to Moods or run to Paneras for a quick bite. Or is the random pluralisation of names just a Michigan thing?

Taking self-delusion to grand new heights, however, was the also semi-creepy Jason. Holy jeebus, that man would annoy the CRAP out of me in real life. He is one of those people that would make me want to quit my job if I had to work with him. Or punch him in the face. The man will never suffer from self confidence issues, that's for sure. So kick him to the curb and let him get on with his life while I watch Project Runway in peace and without the need for blood pressure medication.