Me and Mrs. Jones and my Grandma's Goiters

There is no way for this episode to top the drama of the last one, when Gretchen was called out by Tim for manipulating her entire team in the group challenge. But it was juicy nonetheless. Nina is certainly not bored.

We open with Ivy doing a total 180 from “Go Team Gretchen!” in the group challenge to whispery gossip literally right behind Gretchen’s back. I keep waiting for Ivy to call me on my hot pink phone with the teal cord and tell me she wants to be my best friend, only to ignore me at the pencil fights on the middle school playground the next day. As the episode wears on, she will continue to wear out her welcome by failing again to sew anything remotely stylish, accusing Michael C of telling people she’s the bitch of the show (um…) and stealing buttons out of her fishbowl (which should totally be a euphemism for something).

Heidi introduces the challenge: re-make bridesmaid dresses for real-life clients. The women are chosen gym-class style, which of course leaves the plus-size women standing last – way to stay classy, Project Runway! Michael D, as the last to choose, gets the biggest challenge with the largest woman. He clearly struggles to make a flattering piece for her, but remains magnanimous even in his failure to do so.

I love this challenge; though I have no first-hand experience with bridesmaid dresses, I hate them – who doesn’t? In researching this blog post, I found out that cutie Carole Hannah from Season 6 is launching her own line of bridesmaid dresses soon. Godspeed!

The workroom is full of hand-wringing and model trouble. Tim is sassy in his critiques (“Just make her a thong and call it a day!”) and Gretchen is awkward around Tim. Then everyone goes to a Top Chef style public comment session, which was mostly boring save for Ivy’s histrionics. Back in the workroom, Michael C tries to talk it out with Ivy, but she is too busy constructing another pair of capris to listen. And then it’s time for the runway!

Save for the sleeves, I didn’t mind Michael C’s dress at all. But if an avant-garde dress is created in the absence of critical thought through complete happenstance and with bad tailoring, does it really exist? I can’t blame the other designers for being disappointed at him being named the winner. This, my friends, is why I am relying on randomness to choose my contestants this season.

Mondo was my clear choice for winner – his dress was elegant and unexpected, proving his vision and talent—his curse!--once again. For what did he win the most buttons in his fishbowl (if you know what I mean) in the public comment session, if not to be crowned this week? Though, he is to be chided for accidentally sending his model to the Snooki hair salon instead of Garnier (image to haunt your dreams for reference, at left).

I’m generally down with Christopher, but how he ends up in the top 3 for making a dress that evokes nothing more than a dirty windblown curtain which appears to expose one cup of the wearer’s bra is beyond me. His spot clearly should have gone to April for a really contemporary unexpected take on a shirtdress. And for having the cajones to stand up to her model.

Casanova sends down one of the best looks he’s put together all season. Gretchen puts a racer back on a dirty tea towel. Andy makes a snoozey tank top and shorts. All three skate by safely in the middle.

During the judging of Peach’s dress, we are treated to more Kors-isms than you can shake a limp fist at. He gets himself rolling with “avocado dinner napkins” and “church bring-a-pot dinner,” but goes a little too far with “avocado goiter.” Mr. Kors, sir, my Irish grandmother had goiters, and from the way my mom describes said neck growths, they don’t look a thing like fluttery bedskirts. But, my goodness, that dress was an SUV wreck straight off the Dan Ryan.

The only explanation I can come up with for Valerie’s dress is that she was worried her model’s boobs would see something out of the corner of their eye and get spooked. Michael Kors describes it as having a “nursing grandmother chest,” which is awesome. I want to meet these nursing grandmothers with their color-blocked triple-strap nursing bras.

Backstage, Andy calls out Michael C for his bad taste while wearing a hairdo and accessories basically tailor-made for Michael C’s dress. Gretchen whines, “I don’t even know what show this is anymore!” I think she means she doesn’t know who she is anymore. When Michael C walks in to announce his win, he is treated to big, bad cold stares by everyone except Casanova, who breaks it down by pointing out that there are two two-challenge winners and then calls Gretchen “Mrs. Jones.” Hello, Mrs. Jones, you are on equal footing with Michael C on this show, so maybe a dose of humility would do you well. It’s almost as classic as “those pants cost one thousand and seven dollars” and “plush puppies.”

Peach’s departure most likely means a 100% reduction in the amount of toile and appliqué sunglass sweaters on Project Runway. True to form, she departs with a cheery “I’ve hee-ad the time of my life!” I’m grateful for her exit because it means not having to be reminded of what my chin will look like in 20 years every time I tune in.

Thanks for reading my guest post! -- Jessica B.