I didn't see that coming

Well, we got it. Our first bonafide Project Runway meltdown. Totally did not see that coming and I still feel part horrified, part sorry for him and part "it's time to grow the F up, Michael C." Not exactly conducive for the It Gets Better project. Parents, love your children for who they are and people, stand up for yourselves. Now that that's out the way...

Did anyone catch the preview for Bryant Park judging where Heidi says this was their hardest decision in Project Runway history? She means because they are all terrible, right? Because I cannot see how these garments are going to become magically amazing with some new tights and chic baubles (and less some crazy head pieces, I hope). Mondo is, of course, impeccable with his tailoring and amazing with the prints, but at this point I can't really be wowed by the same dress. I'd still wear everything, but we know what we're going to see. Of course, I still want to see it, especially after seeing his work studio and inspiration. And how funny was the story of his dad extorting softball out of him for piano lessons?

I'm honestly torn between Andy and Gretchen. I can't stand Gretchen's aesthetic. At. All. But she's got a point of view, that's for sure. And Nina loves herself a point of view. I don't think I would hate some of the designs so much if they weren't in such a horrible print or drab earth tone. But it's hard for me to see past either of those things. But congrats on making yourself more human, lady. Nothing humbles you like being dumped and kudos to her for even getting out of bed, let alone creating a whole collection that at least she likes.

Andy, on the other hand, has lots of vision but only gets it right half the time. His last challenge dress was amaze, if a bit on the short side. Then again, I am aged way beyond that skirt length and possibly just jealous. But the swimsuit and flowy thing? What was that? It didn't even look tailored. Just a flowy sheer fabric with a hole cut out. In fact, I think I made that outfit when I was five out of my mom's old lingerie and some scissors (long sheer robes were chic and plentiful in the 70's, if you recall, and five year olds just love to cut things to make them "prettier". Just ask my Barbies how much they loved their new haircuts.). He's got vision and is terribly sweet, but I feel like he needs a few years under his belt.

Now on to Bryant Park...

Does anyone have an extra tissue?

Can I just say how much I love Mondo?! After a well deserved third win in a row he has shown time after time just how talented (and inspiring) he really is. This week’s episode was an emotional one, with an enormous revelation from Mondo, tears from nearly everyone, and visits from family that left Andy feeling completely directionless and Christopher channeling his inner Casanova with a demure snoozefest.

Hats off to the judges for finally giving the designers a good surprise – a day to spend with their visitors! After weeks of surprise twists from the ominous little black bag, that had to feel great for them. Too bad it knocked a few of them off their game.

What on earth was up with Heidi’s disco ball dress? She’s been dabbling in some pretty random looks this season, and I think it may be time to fire her stylist. I just can’t take her comments in judging seriously when she’s dressed like an exploding container of multicolored glitter or sporting a gigantic rose on the top of her head.

This week’s runway judging was pretty tame in comparison to the past few weeks, although I did enjoy Michael Kors’ “fried egg boob” comment for Gretchen. So glad she clarified that the half circle on the pants is the shape of a bonnet. Before that point I thought maybe sun bonnets were square or triangular. I have to ask, did no one really see the similarities between April’s and Valerie’s skirts? Was it just me? The top of April’s dress was vastly superior to Valerie’s, but still. And call me sentimental, but I had to smile at Valerie’s lovefest at the end of the episode. It was clearly her time to leave, though. She’s a sweet person, but her design skills just aren’t up to Project Runway standards.

The next episode is guaranteed to be interesting with Heidi as the client. And I can’t wait to know more about the cheating drama!

Race to the bottom

On Friday, Beth warned me that Episode 9 was a race to the bottom but I was not prepared for how true those words were. I am still shocked that Valerie was spared. Though whenever I think of Ivy's design, I am just as convinced the judges were right to boot her. Good lord, that dress was horrid. Pageant dress doesn't even being to describe it; more like high school sewing class makes costumes for the student play according to a bossy 12th grader drunk on her new-found power. Just look at it.

Not that Valerie was any better. It is painfully apparent that she is over her head in this competition - a fact tragically exemplified by the dress she herself was wearing on the runway as the judges identified her biggest problem as not understanding fabric. Weird boobs, big waist, wrong fabric. Sad.

Michael C could not have been more annoying with his "I'm sorry, I've never been in the bottom before" comment, to which I found myself gasping "really?". Really. At least Lifetime is bringing back his commentary and he's got it in for Gretchen. "Velvet is a boring fabric and Gretchen makes boring clothes, so it's a perfect fit." True dat, Michael C.

And speaking of... I have to hand it to Gretchen, her couture dress was actually well-made. Not even remotely my style, but it was nice, and would have been prettier had she foreseen Heidi's advice of making the back the front. Her ready to wear piece was a crock though. And by crock, I mean typical Gretchen. Bland, shapeless and the most interesting part was clearly accidental. Holla!

I didn't love Andy's. I appreciated it, but just couldn't go there. Perhaps it is subconscious jealousy that I will never in a million years be able to pull it off (or let's face it, get it on), but I also can't get behind the slinky dress. But they worked together and he stayed true to his vision.

As for Mondo, I'm sure there are many who disagree, but I loved it. I would love it more had the bust been form-fitted (which I suspect was his original intent before having to start over), but I love a carnival.

That's all I got this week. It's Monday. I'm tired, and apparently, not very quick with the wit. Please make up for my shortcomings in the comments. I need a pick up.

Extra credit!

Can you guess who this celebrity couple is? Hot tipper and first-time fantasy leaguer Tina BC took this photo on what is surely a top-of-the-line cell phone while on her trip to NYC last week. Stars, they're just like us! They really do eat!

Jackie O would not have camel toe

No truer words were spoken Mr. Gunn. Holy wowza, those were some pants. I guess I could say "good for you for sticking to your vision" but there is no world in which Jackie O or a Jackie O wanna be would wear MC Hammer pants. And if you must stay true to yourself, at least make them fit. I can't think of a single time where I thought to myself, "I wish I could find some pants that would call attention to my crotch area." But if I ever do, I now know who to call.

I think it goes without saying that Michael D's design deserved to go. Again, I have never looked in the mirror in disgust wishing my hips looked bigger. Or walked into a store and said "Give me something dowdy and out of proportion!" To each his own.

As for the winners, please please please make Mondo's design available on Piperlime. If it takes me two years to lose enough weight to wear it, I'll make it work. The skirt is nostalgically similar to one I used to own in the '80s - taken from a friend's "costume closet" of her dead grandmother's clothes - clothes she laughed at while she wore acid wash and bangs raked up to the heavens. And since I am a fan of mixing patterns, Mondo's shirt was perfection. The directional change of the stripe on the sleeves was pure brilliance. I love you Mondo, my little design pixie.

The judges must have had a hard time coming up with two more winners. Ivy's top and pant were good but I hated the jacket. Or, more precisely, I hated the fabric of the jacket. It didn't flow very well and seemed stiff to me. And Christopher's was a cocktail dress with a torn up piece of mangled fur on it. A pretty enough dress, I guess, but you know the only reason he was standing there was because of the vapid January Jones (seriously, no wonder she is so good at playing Betty Draper. She is Betty Draper. Liked the eyeliner though).

This episode also slammed the nail in the coffin for Gretchen for me. Sure, she's thoroughly irritating, but this isn't a personality contest. Unfortunately, Gretchen's interpretation of chic, luxe and tailoring is just...well, wrong. Girl's last three designs have been same color, same shape, same crappy finish. If it looks like something my deluded brain thinks that I could make if I finally went to Target and bought that perennially-on-sale-for-$60 sewing machine, you best check yourself lady.

This Ain't No Vacation

After two episodes of the designers sh*tting on Michael C., it was pleasant to discover that this week’s challenge would be resort wear. Maybe the clothes would inspire a vacation from past behavior? Not so fast, this challenge included a twist that required the ominous “black bag”.

Tim surprised the designers with the bad news: each designer would be paired up and have to create a sample from their partner’s design. In his confessional, Mondo vehemently expressed his desire to NOT be paired with Michael C. Alas, his wish did not come true. After a very rocky start, it was a relief to see Mondo apologize for his behavior after he realized that Michael C. isn’t so bad, he just does things a bit differently. The new BFFs then had their arms around each other in the lounge during judging.

As for the others, Gretchen was paired with Casanova and chose to treat him like a five year old. Michael D. had to endure the coo-coo crazy emanating off Ivy. The pairings of Christopher/April and Valerie/Andy were drama-free.

When it came to the top three designs of Andy, Michael D & April, I could only meet the judges two-thirds of the way. Andy’s stunning one-piece bathing suit and wrap (impeccably sewn by Valerie) fit the model like a glove. Michael D.’s dress was sophisticated and unique, and could easily be worn over a bathing suit although I don’t usually associate black with resort wear. Guess I need to go to more resorts. April’s outfit was, in my opinion, one HOT MESS! It was far from resort wear, more like punk-rock lingerie. The boy shorts went up to her armpits, and the top looked like a Calder mobile with a baby doll skirt. And the guest judge, Kristin Bell, wanted to wear it on the red carpet!

After the shock of April’s win, I hoped to get a little bit of pleasure from having Ivy bumped off. She created a totally shapeless hippie top and skirt combo with her signature bland color palette. On the runway, Ivy claimed she had to “simplify” her design to accommodate Michael D.’s sewing skills. I think the judges said she threw him under the bus about ten times. Kudos to Michael D. for taking it like a champ. Casanova and Mondo were also in the bottom three for a non-resort, matronly top and pants, and a loud, mismatched pre-teen bikini and jacket respectively.

Unfortunately, Casanova got the boot instead of Ivy. But the producers showed him some love because he was the first designer to get a farewell montage. I think Heidi will miss him the most. She loved saying his name.

Me and Mrs. Jones and my Grandma's Goiters

There is no way for this episode to top the drama of the last one, when Gretchen was called out by Tim for manipulating her entire team in the group challenge. But it was juicy nonetheless. Nina is certainly not bored.

We open with Ivy doing a total 180 from “Go Team Gretchen!” in the group challenge to whispery gossip literally right behind Gretchen’s back. I keep waiting for Ivy to call me on my hot pink phone with the teal cord and tell me she wants to be my best friend, only to ignore me at the pencil fights on the middle school playground the next day. As the episode wears on, she will continue to wear out her welcome by failing again to sew anything remotely stylish, accusing Michael C of telling people she’s the bitch of the show (um…) and stealing buttons out of her fishbowl (which should totally be a euphemism for something).

Heidi introduces the challenge: re-make bridesmaid dresses for real-life clients. The women are chosen gym-class style, which of course leaves the plus-size women standing last – way to stay classy, Project Runway! Michael D, as the last to choose, gets the biggest challenge with the largest woman. He clearly struggles to make a flattering piece for her, but remains magnanimous even in his failure to do so.

I love this challenge; though I have no first-hand experience with bridesmaid dresses, I hate them – who doesn’t? In researching this blog post, I found out that cutie Carole Hannah from Season 6 is launching her own line of bridesmaid dresses soon. Godspeed!

The workroom is full of hand-wringing and model trouble. Tim is sassy in his critiques (“Just make her a thong and call it a day!”) and Gretchen is awkward around Tim. Then everyone goes to a Top Chef style public comment session, which was mostly boring save for Ivy’s histrionics. Back in the workroom, Michael C tries to talk it out with Ivy, but she is too busy constructing another pair of capris to listen. And then it’s time for the runway!

Save for the sleeves, I didn’t mind Michael C’s dress at all. But if an avant-garde dress is created in the absence of critical thought through complete happenstance and with bad tailoring, does it really exist? I can’t blame the other designers for being disappointed at him being named the winner. This, my friends, is why I am relying on randomness to choose my contestants this season.

Mondo was my clear choice for winner – his dress was elegant and unexpected, proving his vision and talent—his curse!--once again. For what did he win the most buttons in his fishbowl (if you know what I mean) in the public comment session, if not to be crowned this week? Though, he is to be chided for accidentally sending his model to the Snooki hair salon instead of Garnier (image to haunt your dreams for reference, at left).

I’m generally down with Christopher, but how he ends up in the top 3 for making a dress that evokes nothing more than a dirty windblown curtain which appears to expose one cup of the wearer’s bra is beyond me. His spot clearly should have gone to April for a really contemporary unexpected take on a shirtdress. And for having the cajones to stand up to her model.

Casanova sends down one of the best looks he’s put together all season. Gretchen puts a racer back on a dirty tea towel. Andy makes a snoozey tank top and shorts. All three skate by safely in the middle.

During the judging of Peach’s dress, we are treated to more Kors-isms than you can shake a limp fist at. He gets himself rolling with “avocado dinner napkins” and “church bring-a-pot dinner,” but goes a little too far with “avocado goiter.” Mr. Kors, sir, my Irish grandmother had goiters, and from the way my mom describes said neck growths, they don’t look a thing like fluttery bedskirts. But, my goodness, that dress was an SUV wreck straight off the Dan Ryan.

The only explanation I can come up with for Valerie’s dress is that she was worried her model’s boobs would see something out of the corner of their eye and get spooked. Michael Kors describes it as having a “nursing grandmother chest,” which is awesome. I want to meet these nursing grandmothers with their color-blocked triple-strap nursing bras.

Backstage, Andy calls out Michael C for his bad taste while wearing a hairdo and accessories basically tailor-made for Michael C’s dress. Gretchen whines, “I don’t even know what show this is anymore!” I think she means she doesn’t know who she is anymore. When Michael C walks in to announce his win, he is treated to big, bad cold stares by everyone except Casanova, who breaks it down by pointing out that there are two two-challenge winners and then calls Gretchen “Mrs. Jones.” Hello, Mrs. Jones, you are on equal footing with Michael C on this show, so maybe a dose of humility would do you well. It’s almost as classic as “those pants cost one thousand and seven dollars” and “plush puppies.”

Peach’s departure most likely means a 100% reduction in the amount of toile and appliqué sunglass sweaters on Project Runway. True to form, she departs with a cheery “I’ve hee-ad the time of my life!” I’m grateful for her exit because it means not having to be reminded of what my chin will look like in 20 years every time I tune in.

Thanks for reading my guest post! -- Jessica B.