Good grief

Wow. Just... wow. Or in the words of the Rickshaw Restaurant and Lounge marquee: "wow" (see the blog of unnecessary quotes). I heard all the arguments, and while I get where Nina and Michael were coming from, I just don't agree. I also advise you all to run to your favorite stores and stock up on the cute and complimentary because we are apparently in for a few years of terrible, awful sportswear (and just when I was getting excited for all those t-strap shoes and pencil skirts).

There were so many things wrong with this finale but the glaringly obvious was the inclusion of Jessica Simpson as guest judge. The woman has never been, nor ever will be, a fashion icon. Granted, I've seen a branded shoe or two of hers that I like, but only in that "here is a nice, basic black shoe" kind of way. She is the personification of mall chic, with a tragic habit of dressing to make herself appear bigger than she actually is. How do these traits suggest the last word on fashion? Answer: they don't. But thanks for sticking up for Mondo.

I think we can all agree that Andy's clothes were beautiful. I was surprised by how much I liked them, given his penchant for a little kookier, a lot more skin-baring designs. Sadly for him, this seemed to have killed him and I can't really blame the judges for it. While I liked them more than his normal stuff, he should have stayed truer to his kooky self.

Mondo, on the other hand, stayed too true to his vision. I don't disagree that he could stand some editing (those hair pieces were totally unnecessary, bordering on distracting), but I still feel he got robbed. Heidi was right to point out it felt like punishing him for continuing with a style they'd been praising him for all season. But I felt the nail in the coffin when Nina equated Mondo's collection to Seth Aaron's winning show last season. And there we have it. The judges didn't want to repeat themselves and so deemed Gretchen's easy breezy "sportswear" the look of our times. Which means Jon Stewart was wrong: these actually are end times.

So that's it. I don't even want to think about Gretchen's collection anymore, let alone write about it. And I definitely don't want to see it again. Ever. I'll be cancelling my fashion magazine subscriptions for a year or two and investigating other options for inspiration. Maybe I'll give Circus Monthly a try.

Kudos to Susan for taking the Vegas odds and winning this season's pool. Thanks to everyone for playing!

I didn't see that coming

Well, we got it. Our first bonafide Project Runway meltdown. Totally did not see that coming and I still feel part horrified, part sorry for him and part "it's time to grow the F up, Michael C." Not exactly conducive for the It Gets Better project. Parents, love your children for who they are and people, stand up for yourselves. Now that that's out the way...

Did anyone catch the preview for Bryant Park judging where Heidi says this was their hardest decision in Project Runway history? She means because they are all terrible, right? Because I cannot see how these garments are going to become magically amazing with some new tights and chic baubles (and less some crazy head pieces, I hope). Mondo is, of course, impeccable with his tailoring and amazing with the prints, but at this point I can't really be wowed by the same dress. I'd still wear everything, but we know what we're going to see. Of course, I still want to see it, especially after seeing his work studio and inspiration. And how funny was the story of his dad extorting softball out of him for piano lessons?

I'm honestly torn between Andy and Gretchen. I can't stand Gretchen's aesthetic. At. All. But she's got a point of view, that's for sure. And Nina loves herself a point of view. I don't think I would hate some of the designs so much if they weren't in such a horrible print or drab earth tone. But it's hard for me to see past either of those things. But congrats on making yourself more human, lady. Nothing humbles you like being dumped and kudos to her for even getting out of bed, let alone creating a whole collection that at least she likes.

Andy, on the other hand, has lots of vision but only gets it right half the time. His last challenge dress was amaze, if a bit on the short side. Then again, I am aged way beyond that skirt length and possibly just jealous. But the swimsuit and flowy thing? What was that? It didn't even look tailored. Just a flowy sheer fabric with a hole cut out. In fact, I think I made that outfit when I was five out of my mom's old lingerie and some scissors (long sheer robes were chic and plentiful in the 70's, if you recall, and five year olds just love to cut things to make them "prettier". Just ask my Barbies how much they loved their new haircuts.). He's got vision and is terribly sweet, but I feel like he needs a few years under his belt.

Now on to Bryant Park...

Does anyone have an extra tissue?

Can I just say how much I love Mondo?! After a well deserved third win in a row he has shown time after time just how talented (and inspiring) he really is. This week’s episode was an emotional one, with an enormous revelation from Mondo, tears from nearly everyone, and visits from family that left Andy feeling completely directionless and Christopher channeling his inner Casanova with a demure snoozefest.

Hats off to the judges for finally giving the designers a good surprise – a day to spend with their visitors! After weeks of surprise twists from the ominous little black bag, that had to feel great for them. Too bad it knocked a few of them off their game.

What on earth was up with Heidi’s disco ball dress? She’s been dabbling in some pretty random looks this season, and I think it may be time to fire her stylist. I just can’t take her comments in judging seriously when she’s dressed like an exploding container of multicolored glitter or sporting a gigantic rose on the top of her head.

This week’s runway judging was pretty tame in comparison to the past few weeks, although I did enjoy Michael Kors’ “fried egg boob” comment for Gretchen. So glad she clarified that the half circle on the pants is the shape of a bonnet. Before that point I thought maybe sun bonnets were square or triangular. I have to ask, did no one really see the similarities between April’s and Valerie’s skirts? Was it just me? The top of April’s dress was vastly superior to Valerie’s, but still. And call me sentimental, but I had to smile at Valerie’s lovefest at the end of the episode. It was clearly her time to leave, though. She’s a sweet person, but her design skills just aren’t up to Project Runway standards.

The next episode is guaranteed to be interesting with Heidi as the client. And I can’t wait to know more about the cheating drama!

Race to the bottom

On Friday, Beth warned me that Episode 9 was a race to the bottom but I was not prepared for how true those words were. I am still shocked that Valerie was spared. Though whenever I think of Ivy's design, I am just as convinced the judges were right to boot her. Good lord, that dress was horrid. Pageant dress doesn't even being to describe it; more like high school sewing class makes costumes for the student play according to a bossy 12th grader drunk on her new-found power. Just look at it.

Not that Valerie was any better. It is painfully apparent that she is over her head in this competition - a fact tragically exemplified by the dress she herself was wearing on the runway as the judges identified her biggest problem as not understanding fabric. Weird boobs, big waist, wrong fabric. Sad.

Michael C could not have been more annoying with his "I'm sorry, I've never been in the bottom before" comment, to which I found myself gasping "really?". Really. At least Lifetime is bringing back his commentary and he's got it in for Gretchen. "Velvet is a boring fabric and Gretchen makes boring clothes, so it's a perfect fit." True dat, Michael C.

And speaking of... I have to hand it to Gretchen, her couture dress was actually well-made. Not even remotely my style, but it was nice, and would have been prettier had she foreseen Heidi's advice of making the back the front. Her ready to wear piece was a crock though. And by crock, I mean typical Gretchen. Bland, shapeless and the most interesting part was clearly accidental. Holla!

I didn't love Andy's. I appreciated it, but just couldn't go there. Perhaps it is subconscious jealousy that I will never in a million years be able to pull it off (or let's face it, get it on), but I also can't get behind the slinky dress. But they worked together and he stayed true to his vision.

As for Mondo, I'm sure there are many who disagree, but I loved it. I would love it more had the bust been form-fitted (which I suspect was his original intent before having to start over), but I love a carnival.

That's all I got this week. It's Monday. I'm tired, and apparently, not very quick with the wit. Please make up for my shortcomings in the comments. I need a pick up.

Extra credit!

Can you guess who this celebrity couple is? Hot tipper and first-time fantasy leaguer Tina BC took this photo on what is surely a top-of-the-line cell phone while on her trip to NYC last week. Stars, they're just like us! They really do eat!

Jackie O would not have camel toe

No truer words were spoken Mr. Gunn. Holy wowza, those were some pants. I guess I could say "good for you for sticking to your vision" but there is no world in which Jackie O or a Jackie O wanna be would wear MC Hammer pants. And if you must stay true to yourself, at least make them fit. I can't think of a single time where I thought to myself, "I wish I could find some pants that would call attention to my crotch area." But if I ever do, I now know who to call.

I think it goes without saying that Michael D's design deserved to go. Again, I have never looked in the mirror in disgust wishing my hips looked bigger. Or walked into a store and said "Give me something dowdy and out of proportion!" To each his own.

As for the winners, please please please make Mondo's design available on Piperlime. If it takes me two years to lose enough weight to wear it, I'll make it work. The skirt is nostalgically similar to one I used to own in the '80s - taken from a friend's "costume closet" of her dead grandmother's clothes - clothes she laughed at while she wore acid wash and bangs raked up to the heavens. And since I am a fan of mixing patterns, Mondo's shirt was perfection. The directional change of the stripe on the sleeves was pure brilliance. I love you Mondo, my little design pixie.

The judges must have had a hard time coming up with two more winners. Ivy's top and pant were good but I hated the jacket. Or, more precisely, I hated the fabric of the jacket. It didn't flow very well and seemed stiff to me. And Christopher's was a cocktail dress with a torn up piece of mangled fur on it. A pretty enough dress, I guess, but you know the only reason he was standing there was because of the vapid January Jones (seriously, no wonder she is so good at playing Betty Draper. She is Betty Draper. Liked the eyeliner though).

This episode also slammed the nail in the coffin for Gretchen for me. Sure, she's thoroughly irritating, but this isn't a personality contest. Unfortunately, Gretchen's interpretation of chic, luxe and tailoring is just...well, wrong. Girl's last three designs have been same color, same shape, same crappy finish. If it looks like something my deluded brain thinks that I could make if I finally went to Target and bought that perennially-on-sale-for-$60 sewing machine, you best check yourself lady.

This Ain't No Vacation

After two episodes of the designers sh*tting on Michael C., it was pleasant to discover that this week’s challenge would be resort wear. Maybe the clothes would inspire a vacation from past behavior? Not so fast, this challenge included a twist that required the ominous “black bag”.

Tim surprised the designers with the bad news: each designer would be paired up and have to create a sample from their partner’s design. In his confessional, Mondo vehemently expressed his desire to NOT be paired with Michael C. Alas, his wish did not come true. After a very rocky start, it was a relief to see Mondo apologize for his behavior after he realized that Michael C. isn’t so bad, he just does things a bit differently. The new BFFs then had their arms around each other in the lounge during judging.

As for the others, Gretchen was paired with Casanova and chose to treat him like a five year old. Michael D. had to endure the coo-coo crazy emanating off Ivy. The pairings of Christopher/April and Valerie/Andy were drama-free.

When it came to the top three designs of Andy, Michael D & April, I could only meet the judges two-thirds of the way. Andy’s stunning one-piece bathing suit and wrap (impeccably sewn by Valerie) fit the model like a glove. Michael D.’s dress was sophisticated and unique, and could easily be worn over a bathing suit although I don’t usually associate black with resort wear. Guess I need to go to more resorts. April’s outfit was, in my opinion, one HOT MESS! It was far from resort wear, more like punk-rock lingerie. The boy shorts went up to her armpits, and the top looked like a Calder mobile with a baby doll skirt. And the guest judge, Kristin Bell, wanted to wear it on the red carpet!

After the shock of April’s win, I hoped to get a little bit of pleasure from having Ivy bumped off. She created a totally shapeless hippie top and skirt combo with her signature bland color palette. On the runway, Ivy claimed she had to “simplify” her design to accommodate Michael D.’s sewing skills. I think the judges said she threw him under the bus about ten times. Kudos to Michael D. for taking it like a champ. Casanova and Mondo were also in the bottom three for a non-resort, matronly top and pants, and a loud, mismatched pre-teen bikini and jacket respectively.

Unfortunately, Casanova got the boot instead of Ivy. But the producers showed him some love because he was the first designer to get a farewell montage. I think Heidi will miss him the most. She loved saying his name.